”What is shameful and ignorant is to dis someone for killing themselves. Frankly, to do so comes from a horribly judgmental place in oneself, a place where one is terribly afraid of and denying their own self-destructiveness. Jesus and other enlightened and deeply compassionate souls have long ago and to this day had a wee little bit of commentary on this kind of attitude and where it comes from, which is the brokenness in oneself. For those who are willing to hear………”
* Repair front breaks (or have them repaired, for all you technical folks) — $350ish
* Buy a new phone and plan — $??
* Begin making payments for debt owed to god-mother — $1200; $100/mo = 12mos
* Get back into more consistent workout routine => 5 classes (5hrs)/wk — $40/mo
* Budget for nutritionist — $50ish/mo
* Register car in VT, get VT tags, VT license, AAA car insurance => $???
* Buy a bike — $???
* Shop nearly exclusively at City Market and farmer’s market for food (saves money in the end and prevents purchase of junk food cause too damned expensive)
* purchase plants for room and office
* Have work ppls over for gathering
* Belated birthday celebrations (possibly on a boat)
"I hadn’t understood at the time. If sinners were so unhappy, why would they prefer their suffering? But now I knew why. Without my wounds, who was I? My scars were my face, my past was my life. It wasn’t like I didn’t know where all this remembering got you, all that hunger for beauty and astonishing cruelty and ever-present loss. But I knew I would never go to Bill with a troubling personal matter, a boy who liked me too much, a teacher who scolded unfairly. I had already seen more of the world, its beauty and misery and sheer surprise, than they could hope or fear to perceive."
Oh this god forsaken place.
*No, I am not so egotistical and shallow enough to express this exasperation in response to simply the frustrations mentioned previously today…in case you were considering making assumptions…
Day begins by A. (Asscrack) being blocked in my driveway by my neighbor’s car…this would not be an issue as I can walk to ESD on Mondays BUT on this particular Monday, B. (Bollucks) I have left all of my necessary work items at the other office on Friday with the intent of receiving them today. C. (crikey) I also was scheduled to drop of my car at the shop to have my breaks repaired. This is the most convenient day to do this as Mondays are the only days I am not running around for appts and home visits.
D. (Damn it to hell) I am wearing jeans today. We cannot wear jeans at my main office, so I like to take advantage of the opportunity when I can. Great idea…until I have to lug my shit to the office unexpectedly=sweaty, cranky Casey upon arrival. Ok, down-size. Memo received.
D. Oh…already used d. E. (effing shit) Nothing, I repeat nothing systematically is working today (…or ever <at work> come to fixate on it…). External citrix is freezing up not allowing access to Access (the vintage 80’s-style das program entrusted with sickening amounts of confidential data) or anything that I need in that realm. Goddess forbid I attempt to print a fucking document (printer accessibility is a whole other tirade you don’t care to hear…I am impressed <and a bit worried about your psychological well-being> if you’ve made it this far). I have logged out and back in AND restarted my computer, but it starts back up exactly in the frozen bullshit position where it left off. Tried to contact IT. F. (fucking shit…was that one too predictable?) Apparently IT’s number is considered long distance even though there is one effing area code for the entire state of VT. This frustration is even more ironic as the suspect number has the good old 802 area code yet is still somehow considered long-distance…I’d ask for an explanation, but I don’t give that much of a shit. The desk phone does not allow “long distance calls.” Ok, cell phone—not that big of a deal, my main phone that I use for work is a cell anyway…oh wait, that is with the shit that I left at the other office. Of course it is.
G. (Geezum Crow!) My first two clients have no-showed, which, given my state of mind today, is probably good in a sense…not good in the sense that we can’t get shit done if they are not here.
H. (Holy mama) My stomach feels bloated and sickly. Anxiety twisting knots in my solar plexis. Attempted meditative music, deep breathing, chi gong, pullin’ all the stops…nope. Not today. le sigh.
I hate everything. All of it.
Dmitry Gomberg: Akrak Vazha (The Shepherd’s Way)
"This is a story about Tusheti - mountain region in the Republic of Georgia. Tusheti lies near the Chechen border and it is culturally closer to Chechens than to Georgians.
The story is about shepherds who travel every summer to their ancestors’ land Tusheti and than return to spend the winter at the bottom of the mountain. Twice a year they travel with their sheep through the pass in the Caucasus which is 3,000 meters high.
I was staying and documenting life of the Shepherds in the Caucasus mountains for 5 years. These people have been cheese makers since before Christ. Their life is simple and harsh, but beautiful.”